Wow, long time. Yeah, I know, bad PJ. but you can't really blame me. School came around, plus work and other things...yeah okay you can. There's always time to write something.
So I found out back in Jan. that I have A.D.D along with anxiety, slight O.C.D, and mild depression...this to me explains SO much. At least the a.d.d. part anyway.
Having a.d.d and not knowing it made me believe that as an only child I was allowed to have alter egos. Problem with this is as you get older people start calling you crazy if you talk to yourself and answer. As i got older this started happening to me, but then I decided not to care. Finding out that me having this constant internal dialogue with myself or imaginary persons is in part due to the fact that I have a.d.d. While to those of you who read this it may not, but if you actually know me in person you'll now understand why I say bless you to myself when i sneeze; it's just another part of me.
Well anyway so this internal dialogue has gotten worse due to me not have a voice for the last couple of days and basically it's been giving me this driving need to write and everything I write is exactly what my brain says. There is no filter. There is no block to this constant word unraveling. I take this as the fact that as a girl there's a certain allotment of words that each person is allowed and frankly as a female in this generation having no outlet for these words that are backing up is tragic. (yes i know I'm being dramatic, but it's my sanity that's at stake here so forgive me) But with this I'm also realizing that this stream of consciousness that i just let loose is ingenious...ish. I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I am saying that some of the things that my brain comes up with are crazy enough to be a Jack Sparrow kind of genius. *sigh*....where was I going with this? *shrugs* I don't remember. SEE!!!! it's stuff like that. Rambling and rambling then BAM! it just ends. I don't get it. Oh well. I don't think I'm supposed to get it.
So the whole reason this started was because I was reading something about a butter and honey sandwich and I thought that sounded good. So I got up to go make one then I got a better idea. I was gonna save my honey for my tea to make my throat feel better and I didn't really want a sandwich because I wasn't really hungry, but I wanted something sweet. Then it hit me! The perfect, quick, little, snack thingy. Peanut butter and syrup. Now I know some of you are going eww gross, and that's what one of my egos said! We shall call her skeptical Susie. S.S. pretty much just turned down the whole option of having peanut butter and syrup and I kept arguing that it was good and that the only reason I haven't had it in so long was because I hadn't thought about it. She kept saying that it was gross and finally I turned to her and said, "DON'T JUDGE ME!" She shut up after I yelled at her...well mentally anyway. I can't exactly yell when I don't have a voice. So I made the peanut butter and syrup, stirred it, got a glass of milk then came to sit and it hit me that my internal monologue and having a.d.d explains SO much.
right, well that's pretty much all I have to say about that.
truly yours as always,
PJ xoxo
"When a warrior learns to stop the internal dialogue, everything becomes possible; the most far-fetched schemes become attainable."--Carlos Castaneda
(p.s. i like that quote only mine isn't stopping the internal dialogue; it's embracing it. I am still able to attain the far-fetched schemes I think of, it's just on paper. :D )
