Tonight, I was talking to my friend, Megan. We started talking about my inability to work out alone. I don't understand why it's so difficult for me to stay motivated. This is possibly one of the hardest things mentally I've ever had to do. Getting myself to the point where working out isn't something I dread or put off because I'm alone, is so difficult.
So this is a sacrifice for me. I am giving up my can't attitude for the next month, 5 weeks, Feb. 21 to Mar. 28. I will workout even if I can't get someone to go with me. I'm making this promise to myself...over the internet to the infinite void of space. I will and am! I refuse to let negativity rule my life. I will change for myself and to better myself.
So to my future self, YOU CAN DO THIS!! Do not let this get you down! Your future self with a boyfriend or a husband, kids....yes this is far off but you are doing this to better yourself, your self-esteem, your health, and your future life. So here's to a new beginning, a new life, and you will do this for you! You can be where you want to be weight wise. Don't let life get in the way. You can do it!
Truly yours as always,
Patricia J. Phillips xoxo
"Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together."--Marlyn Monroe
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Who I Am..
Well now that my blog has officially begun (a harder process than I first imagined) I figure I should at least explain the meaning of the title of my blog.
When I was seventeen I got my heart broken for the first time. This was two days after my birthday. On this said birthday I received John Mayer's Continuum. This cd has helped me throughout the years, along with many other cd's. After the whole heart break happened I went home and into my room and cried while listening to this cd. For anyone who knows this album you will know the song "Dreaming with a Broken Heart". This song then prompted a mix cd and several depressing journal entries. I look back now and while these entries are a reminder of where I have been, I appreciate them.
The following pieces are from two weeks after the fact. The first was written a few hours before the second. The second was kind of a follow up to the first. It is also the first time the checkered heart image makes its appearance.
"The song asks, 'Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?' I ask, wouldn't that make your hands bleed? When there is already so much sorrow and pain, why add more? Crying daily is the effect. What's the cause? Dreaming with a broken heart is the cause. People think you are okay but behind closed doors the mask comes off and all is revealed. Nobody knew. Very few know. The giving up is the hardest part because you've fallen so hard that when the rug is pulled away you shatter into a million pieces. Picking up the pieces by yourself takes a long time especially when the glue and band aids are all used up. The fragile pieces are coming together, but the wall has been raised. People joke, say things that cut like thorns that have already made you bleed. The alcohol burns, the peroxide bubbles, and still you bleed. The wounds seem to heal but then something happens and the scab is ripped away. Will it ever disappear or simply scar? Dreaming with a broken heart and wishing it would end."
"The calm of the blue. The serene of the green. The pain of the red that pours from my heart. The emptiness in the black that envelopes the dark. When the tears that stream down your face hit the ceiling, your world is in reverse. And it's ironic when you want to cry you can't but when you don't they fall free. The prison of my mind is holding me captive in this state of loneliness. This checkered heart is missing pieces that are still stuck to the sticky floor of life."
Those were the first real times the notion that my heart was checkered first came to my mind.
This idea stayed with me and on Dec. 31, 2008 after a year and a half almost two years of thinking about it, it will be forever with me. The way it is tattooed on my left shoulder blade is how I now draw it. It shows how I've grown to view certain aspects of my life and while I've had many difficulties that have torn away at my heart I've tried to stay strong through it all.
Now, having spoken about the journal entries, the mix cd was probably one of the most therapeutic tasks I have ever done. I cried a lot while making it. The title of it is "Mending Hearts and Memories" and the cover I made for it was actually the drawing for my tattoo. The playlist is something that to this day, when I hear it there is a sort of melancholy. Even though it has been years I know that getting to this point was a long, twisted path, but it brought me here.
Here...
Here is where I'm going to share some of the hardships, fun times, randomness, and inspirations that happen in my life. It will include my friends, my family, my past, my present, and my future. It'll be interesting and weird at times, but none the less...it is my life. So join me as I take a look inside this checkered heart of mine.
Truly yours as always,
Patricia J. Phillips
"I've never lied to you before, and I'm not gonna start now."
When I was seventeen I got my heart broken for the first time. This was two days after my birthday. On this said birthday I received John Mayer's Continuum. This cd has helped me throughout the years, along with many other cd's. After the whole heart break happened I went home and into my room and cried while listening to this cd. For anyone who knows this album you will know the song "Dreaming with a Broken Heart". This song then prompted a mix cd and several depressing journal entries. I look back now and while these entries are a reminder of where I have been, I appreciate them.
The following pieces are from two weeks after the fact. The first was written a few hours before the second. The second was kind of a follow up to the first. It is also the first time the checkered heart image makes its appearance.
"The song asks, 'Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?' I ask, wouldn't that make your hands bleed? When there is already so much sorrow and pain, why add more? Crying daily is the effect. What's the cause? Dreaming with a broken heart is the cause. People think you are okay but behind closed doors the mask comes off and all is revealed. Nobody knew. Very few know. The giving up is the hardest part because you've fallen so hard that when the rug is pulled away you shatter into a million pieces. Picking up the pieces by yourself takes a long time especially when the glue and band aids are all used up. The fragile pieces are coming together, but the wall has been raised. People joke, say things that cut like thorns that have already made you bleed. The alcohol burns, the peroxide bubbles, and still you bleed. The wounds seem to heal but then something happens and the scab is ripped away. Will it ever disappear or simply scar? Dreaming with a broken heart and wishing it would end."
"The calm of the blue. The serene of the green. The pain of the red that pours from my heart. The emptiness in the black that envelopes the dark. When the tears that stream down your face hit the ceiling, your world is in reverse. And it's ironic when you want to cry you can't but when you don't they fall free. The prison of my mind is holding me captive in this state of loneliness. This checkered heart is missing pieces that are still stuck to the sticky floor of life."
Those were the first real times the notion that my heart was checkered first came to my mind.
This idea stayed with me and on Dec. 31, 2008 after a year and a half almost two years of thinking about it, it will be forever with me. The way it is tattooed on my left shoulder blade is how I now draw it. It shows how I've grown to view certain aspects of my life and while I've had many difficulties that have torn away at my heart I've tried to stay strong through it all.
My faith, family, and friends have helped me through them all and I know that in the future they will still be there.
Now, having spoken about the journal entries, the mix cd was probably one of the most therapeutic tasks I have ever done. I cried a lot while making it. The title of it is "Mending Hearts and Memories" and the cover I made for it was actually the drawing for my tattoo. The playlist is something that to this day, when I hear it there is a sort of melancholy. Even though it has been years I know that getting to this point was a long, twisted path, but it brought me here.
Here...
Here is where I'm going to share some of the hardships, fun times, randomness, and inspirations that happen in my life. It will include my friends, my family, my past, my present, and my future. It'll be interesting and weird at times, but none the less...it is my life. So join me as I take a look inside this checkered heart of mine.
Truly yours as always,
Patricia J. Phillips
"I've never lied to you before, and I'm not gonna start now."
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