Then what makes love the exception??

Nothing is forever...

What happens when you're stuck in a corner, dependent on others, no way out? Do you stay? Do you try to get the courage to stand up for yourself and move on? What happens when the person you love betrays you and you don't know what to do? Do you leave? Do you try to work it out? What about when life continually throws you curveballs?

Frankly, my batting average has always been horrible. I'm not joking. I can catch, throw, but when it comes to hitting the ball *shakes head* I can't. So life, here's a hint, how about giving me a grounder in the form of a kickball and maybe I can knock it left field and finally get a chance to move?? Yes? No?

Yeah, didn't think so. Right now life has been going crazier and crazier. The only thing keeping me sane is Jeremiah 29:11. God knows what He's doing in my life, whether I'm let in on the plan or not.

I've been feeling like Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade. That first step of blind faith took longer than I ever thought it would. My hesitation has cost me. I waited to act and now I'm having to face the consequences. God works in His own timing and there's no way that I can do it on my own.

Now in this and past experiences, I've been trying to help a friend. She's faces things that a 20 year old shouldn't. Talking sense doesn't work because while what I say is true, when you're blinded by love, life takes a back seat.

So what makes love the exception??? When nothing is forever; why is it that love is the one thing us humans choose to believe should be forever? I've had my share of boyfriends and relationships, none of which have worked out. I've been in love once in my life. Now that being said I will always wonder what if, but as of now I'm single. I know it's where I need to be right now. I have to be ready before God will bring the right guy to blow my expectations out of the water. And yes, I will have expectations because if I don't I'll just end up miserable or alone. Life is too short to not take chances though. I'll make mistakes, but that's the beauty of it.

So what will you do? Will you talk to that one person you always felt something for? Will you take life by the face and say "Hey, I'm here. Let's do this!"? Will you decide the right place for you is to be alone rather than in a destructive relationship? Whatever you decide, know that you can always change the directions of the ship you're steering.

truly yours as always,

Patricia J. Phillips xoxo

"I thought I made a mistake once, but it turned out it was a creative moment."--Scott Fleming

Rainy days and blah feelings

Today I woke up feeling as if I should be following a rabbit down a hole. This particular rabbit has been following me for days. Adventures have been there, but following these small adventures have been some dissappointments. A lot of my friends have said, "Keep your chin up. Stay positive. Things'll work out when you least expect it." People keep telling me this, but the thing is, WHEN DO YOU NOT EXPECT SOMETHING?? There is always, somewhere, in the corners of your mind an expectation, a wish, a hope, or a dream. When things get rough, there are always doubts. When situations won't seem to let you be, staying positive can end up being the furthest thing from your mind. I can't seem to get past this gray area. One of my friends told me, "The rain has to end sometime." My response, "I know it has to end, but it's rained so much that I feel like I've been drowning in my own little sea of rain." Yes, I know this sounds like I'm having a pity party, but I've needed to vent for a while.

This all started when I finally started liking a guy that goes to my school. We hung out, flirted, but then the next day my bff talked to him and asked how he felt about me. "She's sweet, but I don't see her that way." How do you flirt with someone and not even see them that way in just the tiniest way? I don't understand it either.

^_^ I wrote that a few days ago. Spring break has hit and well....ya. Not much has happened. Spring break is supposed to be this "awesome fantastic" time when things just happen and you can't know what's going to hit. For me, well, spring break has been rather bland with a few spots of wooohoo, that was fun. I played 'Ninja' in the middle of a mall with my best friends. I have a job opportunity, I'm babysitting this Thursday, and that night is movie night with my best friends. I may also be taking photos for my friends. *smiles* This is not a typical college student's spring break but for me, spring break has always been just a week with no school. I'm weird, but that's ok. Not thinking back on what was going on this past week and my little worries I know that things'll work out...eventually. But for now I'm just going to have fun with my friends, work, and be me.

So this spring break or even if it's not and you're just working, going to school, or just doing what you do, no matter what, be yourself. Don't sweat the small stuff and go with the flow.

truly yours as always,

Patricia J. xxxx

"Freedom lies in being bold."--Robert Frost

Sacrifice for myself...

Tonight, I was talking to my friend, Megan. We started talking about my inability to work out alone. I don't understand why it's so difficult for me to stay motivated. This is possibly one of the hardest things mentally I've ever had to do. Getting myself to the point where working out isn't something I dread or put off because I'm alone, is so difficult.

So this is a sacrifice for me. I am giving up my can't attitude for the next month, 5 weeks, Feb. 21 to Mar. 28. I will workout even if I can't get someone to go with me. I'm making this promise to myself...over the internet to the infinite void of space. I will and am! I refuse to let negativity rule my life. I will change for myself and to better myself.

So to my future self, YOU CAN DO THIS!! Do not let this get you down! Your future self with a boyfriend or a husband, kids....yes this is far off but you are doing this to better yourself, your self-esteem, your health, and your future life. So here's to a new beginning, a new life, and you will do this for you! You can be where you want to be weight wise. Don't let life get in the way. You can do it!

Truly yours as always,

Patricia J. Phillips xoxo

"Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together."--Marlyn Monroe

Who I Am..

Well now that my blog has officially begun (a harder process than I first imagined) I figure I should at least explain the meaning of the title of my blog.



When I was seventeen I got my heart broken for the first time. This was two days after my birthday. On this said birthday I received John Mayer's Continuum. This cd has helped me throughout the years, along with many other cd's. After the whole heart break happened I went home and into my room and cried while listening to this cd. For anyone who knows this album you will know the song "Dreaming with a Broken Heart". This song then prompted a mix cd and several depressing journal entries. I look back now and while these entries are a reminder of where I have been, I appreciate them.


The following pieces are from two weeks after the fact. The first was written a few hours before the second. The second was kind of a follow up to the first. It is also the first time the checkered heart image makes its appearance.



"The song asks, 'Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?' I ask, wouldn't that make your hands bleed? When there is already so much sorrow and pain, why add more? Crying daily is the effect. What's the cause? Dreaming with a broken heart is the cause. People think you are okay but behind closed doors the mask comes off and all is revealed. Nobody knew. Very few know. The giving up is the hardest part because you've fallen so hard that when the rug is pulled away you shatter into a million pieces. Picking up the pieces by yourself takes a long time especially when the glue and band aids are all used up. The fragile pieces are coming together, but the wall has been raised. People joke, say things that cut like thorns that have already made you bleed. The alcohol burns, the peroxide bubbles, and still you bleed. The wounds seem to heal but then something happens and the scab is ripped away. Will it ever disappear or simply scar? Dreaming with a broken heart and wishing it would end."


"The calm of the blue. The serene of the green. The pain of the red that pours from my heart. The emptiness in the black that envelopes the dark. When the tears that stream down your face hit the ceiling, your world is in reverse. And it's ironic when you want to cry you can't but when you don't they fall free. The prison of my mind is holding me captive in this state of loneliness. This checkered heart is missing pieces that are still stuck to the sticky floor of life."


Those were the first real times the notion that my heart was checkered first came to my mind.

This idea stayed with me and on Dec. 31, 2008 after a year and a half almost two years of thinking about it, it will be forever with me. The way it is tattooed on my left shoulder blade is how I now draw it. It shows how I've grown to view certain aspects of my life and while I've had many difficulties that have torn away at my heart I've tried to stay strong through it all.

My faith, family, and friends have helped me through them all and I know that in the future they will still be there.

Now, having spoken about the journal entries, the mix cd was probably one of the most therapeutic tasks I have ever done. I cried a lot while making it. The title of it is "Mending Hearts and Memories" and the cover I made for it was actually the drawing for my tattoo. The playlist is something that to this day, when I hear it there is a sort of melancholy. Even though it has been years I know that getting to this point was a long, twisted path, but it brought me here.





Here...






Here is where I'm going to share some of the hardships, fun times, randomness, and inspirations that happen in my life. It will include my friends, my family, my past, my present, and my future. It'll be interesting and weird at times, but none the less...it is my life. So join me as I take a look inside this checkered heart of mine.







Truly yours as always,



Patricia J. Phillips






"I've never lied to you before, and I'm not gonna start now."